Me: Could you please print this on my piece of 11 x 17 photo paper?
Printer: Sure, send it over.
Me: Oh thank you! I am really pressed for time, this presentation is due by 4pm.
Printer: No problem, it might take me a moment to process it but I will print it right out for you.
Me: <after carefully checking print settings> Here you go!
Time passes…
Me: Um, how is it going? I really need those labels I asked you for.
Printer: I am thinking about it, be patient.
More time passes…..
Me: Sorry to bother you again but I really need the labels.
Printer: If you rush me bad things will happen.
Even more time passes……….
Me: Seriously? I asked you for the labels ten minutes ago. The file is not that large and I am really in a hurry here!
Printer: <cough and sputter followed by horrible grinding noise>
Me: Are you okay?
Printer: I told you bad things would happen.
Me: I am so sorry! I did not mean to rush you I just really need the labels for this presentation. If I reload your paper and promise to be patient would you please try again?
Printer: Well, I suppose.
Time passes…
Me: Okay, I cleared your paper jam and resent the file. I even made it smaller than last time so when you are ready could you please print this file?
Printer: <no response>
More time passes…..
Me: Hey Computer, why is Printer taking so long this morning?
Computer: I dunno we stopped two-way communication months ago.
Even more time passes…….
Printer: Oh right, you needed some labels? Here they are.
Me: Hmmm… uh Printer? I asked you for black labels.
Printer: Yeah, and?
Me: These are green.
Printer: Green? Are you sure?
Me: Yes, pretty sure.
Printer: OH! Right, did I forget to mention that one of my cartridges is out of ink? Silly me…
Me: Okay, not a problem. Here you go, new ink cartridge.
Printer: Why thank you, that is oh so nice.
Me: Now, how about them labels? Do you think you could print those for me?
Printer: Yes, go ahead and send the file.
Me: Alright, here you go. Again.
Quite a bit of time passes…
Printer: BEEP BEEP BEEP You know, that page size seems wrong. I am not sure I can print this with the paper you loaded.
Me: But you just used this paper to print the green labels.
Printer: No, something is wrong. That is the wrong page size, I am sure of it.
Me: Okay, please cancel that print job. I will resend it and double check the page size selected.
More and more time passes…..
Me: Hello? What are you doing? Just cancel the job already!
Printer: <no response>
More and more and more time passes…….
Me: I am dying here Printer. I need the labels! It has been almost two hours since I asked you for them the first time.
Printer: <no response>
Me: Fine! You want to give me the silent treatment?!? Here! <unplugs power cord>
Printer: That is fine, I was pretty tired anyway. Thanks for the nap.
Me: Wake up! I need these friggin labels NOW.
Printer: Oh you will have to wait I need to warm up before I can print anything.
Time passes…
Me: Print damnit! I am running out of time!
Printer: You know? I really should align my cartridges. Please load a sheet of plain white paper and press Start.
Me: Yes, yes, align them already but please hurry.
Printer: Mmmhmm, sure I will.
Again, more time passes…..
Printer: BEEP BEEP BEEP I could not quite get a hold of that sheet. Please correct the paper mis-feed.
Me: Oh my gwad, are you kidding me?
Printer: I really am doing the best I can.
Me: Quite honestly your best sucks. If you can not print it this time I am going to have to send it out for printing.
Printer: Oh sure threaten me with a lay off, like that will help.
Me: Just print the freakin labels!
Printer: Oops, would you look at that? The paper jammed.
Me: ARGH!
Printer: The edge was not completely flat, my gears are sensitive you know.
Me: There it is cleared, PRINT FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
Printer: No, I think it is still jammed. Something does not feel right.
Me: I swear I cleared the jam. Print!
Printer: BEEP BEEP BEEP Nope, not clear. There seems to be something stuck.
Me: That is it! You are fired!
Printer: Whatever, you can not fire me. Besides we printers have union protection.
Staples Copy and Print Representative: Hello, how can I help you today?
Me: If I email you a file how quickly can you print on 11 x 17 photo paper.
Staples Copy and Print Representative: I am sorry Miss. Our printer is being serviced today. We can have it for you tomorrow by 10 am though.
Printer: See, told you so.
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