Conversation – D144

8 Nov

Me: Could you please print this on my piece of 11 x 17 photo paper?

Printer: Sure, send it over.

Me: Oh thank you!  I am really pressed for time, this presentation is due by 4pm.

Printer: No problem, it might take me a moment to process it but I will print it right out for you.

Me: <after carefully checking print settings> Here you go!

Time passes…

Me: Um, how is it going?  I really need those labels I asked you for.

Printer: I am thinking about it, be patient.

More time passes…..

Me: Sorry to bother you again but I really need the labels.

Printer: If you rush me bad things will happen.

Even more time passes……….

Me: Seriously?  I asked you for the labels ten minutes ago.  The file is not that large and I am really in a hurry here!

Printer: <cough and sputter followed by horrible grinding noise>

Me: Are you okay?

Printer: I told you bad things would happen.

Me: I am so sorry!  I did not mean to rush you I just really need the labels for this presentation.  If I reload your paper and promise to be patient would you please try again?

Printer: Well, I suppose.

Time passes…

Me: Okay, I cleared your paper jam and resent the file.  I even made it smaller than last time so when you are ready could you please print this file?

Printer: <no response>

More time passes…..

Me: Hey Computer, why is Printer taking so long this morning?

Computer: I dunno we stopped two-way communication months ago.

Even more time passes…….

Printer: Oh right, you needed some labels?  Here they are.

Me: Hmmm… uh Printer?  I asked you for black labels.

Printer: Yeah, and?

Me:  These are green.

Printer: Green?  Are you sure?

Me: Yes, pretty sure.

Printer: OH!  Right, did I forget to mention that one of my cartridges is out of ink?  Silly me…

Me: Okay, not a problem.  Here you go, new ink cartridge.

Printer:  Why thank you, that is oh so nice.

Me: Now, how about them labels?  Do you think you could print those for me?

Printer:  Yes, go ahead and send the file.

Me: Alright, here you go.  Again.

Quite a bit of time passes…

Printer: BEEP BEEP BEEP You know, that page size seems wrong.  I am not sure I can print this with the paper you loaded.

Me: But you just used this paper to print the green labels.

Printer:  No, something is wrong.  That is the wrong page size, I am sure of it.

Me: Okay, please cancel that print job.  I will resend it and double check the page size selected.

More and more time passes…..

Me: Hello?  What are you doing?  Just cancel the job already!

Printer: <no response>

More and more and more time passes…….

Me: I am dying here Printer.  I need the labels!  It has been almost two hours since I asked you for them the first time.

Printer: <no response>

Me: Fine!  You want to give me the silent treatment?!?  Here!  <unplugs power cord>

Printer: That is fine, I was pretty tired anyway.  Thanks for the nap.

Me: Wake up!  I need these friggin labels NOW.

Printer: Oh you will have to wait I need to warm up before I can print anything.

Time passes…

Me: Print damnit!  I am running out of time!

Printer: You know?  I really should align my cartridges.  Please load a sheet of plain white paper and press Start.

Me: Yes, yes, align them already but please hurry.

Printer: Mmmhmm, sure I will.

Again, more time passes…..

Printer: BEEP BEEP BEEP I could not quite get a hold of that sheet.  Please correct the paper mis-feed.

Me: Oh my gwad, are you kidding me?

Printer: I really am doing the best I can.

Me: Quite honestly your best sucks.  If you can not print it this time I am going to have to send it out for printing.

Printer: Oh sure threaten me with a lay off, like that will help.

Me: Just print the freakin labels!

Printer: Oops, would you look at that?  The paper jammed.

Me: ARGH!

Printer: The edge was not completely flat, my gears are sensitive you know.

Me: There it is cleared, PRINT FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!

Printer: No, I think it is still jammed.  Something does not feel right.

Me: I swear I cleared the jam.  Print!

Printer:  BEEP BEEP BEEP Nope, not clear.  There seems to be something stuck.

Me: That is it!  You are fired!

Printer: Whatever, you can not fire me.  Besides we printers have union protection.

Staples Copy and Print Representative: Hello, how can I help you today?

Me: If I email you a file how quickly can you print on 11 x 17 photo paper.

Staples Copy and Print Representative: I am sorry Miss.  Our printer is being serviced today.  We can have it for you tomorrow by 10 am though.

Printer: See, told you so.

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